When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
****
My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started...
********
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'.
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'.
And then the fight started...
****
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing at 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started...
****
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would have thought a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
****
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
Little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
****
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And then the fight started...
****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
frm xiao zhou zi
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Qian bian wen da ti (for chinese-speaking pple)
Who brought water?
(a) Joel
(b) David
(c) Tony
(d) Melissa
(e) Jane
(f) Alvin
(g) Anderson
....
Ans: (c)
Why?: (拖泥带水 => Tony带水)
(a) Joel
(b) David
(c) Tony
(d) Melissa
(e) Jane
(f) Alvin
(g) Anderson
....
Ans: (c)
Why?: (拖泥带水 => Tony带水)
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sardar..
Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar: India ..
Boss: which part?
Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India .
2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.
Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.
Sardar joined new job.
1st day he worked till late evening on the computer.
Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.
Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
At the scene of an accident a man was crying:
O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
Sardar: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio! '
NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:
In an interview
Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...
Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child.
Sardar: India ..
Boss: which part?
Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India .
2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.
Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.
Sardar joined new job.
1st day he worked till late evening on the computer.
Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.
Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
At the scene of an accident a man was crying:
O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
Sardar: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio! '
NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:
In an interview
Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...
Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Spanish lesson...
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance is feminine "la casa".
"Pencil" however is masculine "el lapiz".
A student asked, "What gender is computer?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later revival, and....
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
THIS GETS BETTER...
The women's group however, concluded that computers should be masculine (el computador), because :
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem, and...
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model!
THE WOMEN'S GROUP WON......
hohohoho.. no offence to anyone..
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance is feminine "la casa".
"Pencil" however is masculine "el lapiz".
A student asked, "What gender is computer?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later revival, and....
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
THIS GETS BETTER...
The women's group however, concluded that computers should be masculine (el computador), because :
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem, and...
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model!
THE WOMEN'S GROUP WON......
hohohoho.. no offence to anyone..
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
How a baby can get PHD
start reading to it before it is even born?
No.
get PHD parents' sperms and eggs?
No.
record and play the university lecturers' lectures for them to hear?
No. that will make your baby sleep all day!
Then?
Hit its head hard when he is born. Then he will get permanent head damage = PHD.
Let the child enjoy his childhood. Don't stress him too much! zzZ
No.
get PHD parents' sperms and eggs?
No.
record and play the university lecturers' lectures for them to hear?
No. that will make your baby sleep all day!
Then?
Hit its head hard when he is born. Then he will get permanent head damage = PHD.
Let the child enjoy his childhood. Don't stress him too much! zzZ
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Muthu jokes
Interviewer: what is your birth date?
Muthu: 13th October
Which year?
Muthu: .....EVERY YEAR
Manager asked to Muthu at an interview
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Muthu replied: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.
After returning back from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Muthu: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?
One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Muthu: Any great man born in this village???
Muthu: no sir, only small Babies!!!
Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Muthu writes, "Gandhi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.
Muthu was doing experiment with cockroach, first he cut it's one leg and told WALK.
Cockroach walked.
Then he cut it's second leg and told the same.
Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same.
At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered it walk!
But cockroach didn't walk.
Suddenly Muthu said loudly, "I found it. If we cut cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.
On a political rally Muthu was arrested. Why???
A woman journalist walking with a badge wrote "PRESS" and
He did it..
When Muthu was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted mirror.
Muthu shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will drive.
Muthu went in a hotel. To wash hands he went to the washbasin.
There he started washing the basin.
Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing.
Muthu pointed towards the board " WASH BASIN "
Interviewer: just imagine your in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Muthu: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!
Muthu: 13th October
Which year?
Muthu: .....EVERY YEAR
Manager asked to Muthu at an interview
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Muthu replied: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.
After returning back from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Muthu: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?
One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Muthu: Any great man born in this village???
Muthu: no sir, only small Babies!!!
Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Muthu writes, "Gandhi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.
Muthu was doing experiment with cockroach, first he cut it's one leg and told WALK.
Cockroach walked.
Then he cut it's second leg and told the same.
Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same.
At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered it walk!
But cockroach didn't walk.
Suddenly Muthu said loudly, "I found it. If we cut cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.
On a political rally Muthu was arrested. Why???
A woman journalist walking with a badge wrote "PRESS" and
He did it..
When Muthu was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted mirror.
Muthu shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will drive.
Muthu went in a hotel. To wash hands he went to the washbasin.
There he started washing the basin.
Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing.
Muthu pointed towards the board " WASH BASIN "
Interviewer: just imagine your in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Muthu: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
constructing sentence using 12345678910...
This is hilarious...even an Englishman could not construct sentences using numbers!
Exclusively only to great Malaysian and Singaporean........
Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10 . Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again back to 1.
This was what he came up with...
1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rush out and wanted to 5 with me. I run so fast until I fall 6 and throw up. So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he run away. So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6 . He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asks me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1 .
Exclusively only to great Malaysian and Singaporean........
Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10 . Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again back to 1.
This was what he came up with...
1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rush out and wanted to 5 with me. I run so fast until I fall 6 and throw up. So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he run away. So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6 . He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asks me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1 .
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